Tee Double You Bee

American Idol: 6 Shitty Singers Suck Succesfully

from Wednesday, April 28th, 2010 at 6:59pm

So we’re down to six contestants left in this vacuous, empty, soul-sucking exercise of a nationally-televised karaoke contest we call American Idol. Before I dive in, I must note how fucking irritating Kara Digiorno has become to me. Yes, she has always been annoying, repetitive, boorish, corporate, and hacky, with no musical sense or taste whatsoever, but last night I found myself fantasizing about Simon elbowing her squaw in the nose, blood streaming down her wrinkle lines as she shrieked, causing Sheebomb to come running, thinking it was a duet or a scream-off. Of course I don’t really want Kara Chefboyardee to get hurt, although two jabs in each ear with a rusty ice pick would equal the pain I’ve felt from listening to her music. She was just so damn irritating with her terrible comments about “connecting” to the song and other bullshit about what it means to be an artist. She writes sappy, hacky drivel that any 12-year-old girl would write in poetry class while gazing at the starting quarterback and remembering that night in 8th grade when he fingered her at that party after she’d had a wine cooler. Fuck Kara. Fire her ass and please bring back Paula! Her insanity would be SO DAMN refreshing now, wouldn’t it? And fire Ellen in order to save her career. Her “jokes” have become worse every night, just like Lee’s singing.

How’s that for a fuckin’ segue?

Lee started off the inexplicable night of Shania Twain, who by the way, looks quite hot for a 67 year old woman. Must be something in the water up there in Canada, eh? The Chicaaago-area paint salesman proved he ought to go back to selling paint as he murdered “You’re Still the One” by never quite figuring out which key he wanted to be in. Of course the moronic judges loved it, this is a theme for the rest of the show I’m afraid. They are going to do their best to make this a close contest among these losers. It ain’t workin, but it’s fun watching them try! I mean the judges, let alone the “singers.” Anyway, Lee sucks. The guy has ZERO personality, and any other year he’d have been booted weeks ago. Daughtry makes better noises than Lee when he takes a crunchy shit.

Big Mike sang “It Only Hurts When I Breathe,” a song loved by asthma sufferers nationwide. Sitting on the staircase, then getting up, then acting like Luther Vandross, Mike did a pretty good job. And, to top off his Luther impersonation, Mike handed the judges a plate of Luther burgers: huge bacon cheeseburgers with Krispy Kremes as buns. Mmmmm… fattening! Not bad for Mike. Not my cup of tea, but respek. And Mr. Phil was right - there’s no way this guy was last a few weeks back. Total gimmick. And, I also believe Tim Urban was booted unfairly. Oh well, we’ll never know until Ryan Seacrest’s tell-all autobiography in which he reveals his homosexuality, “Seacrest: Out!” Yeah, yeah, you saw that coming down the street, right. Actually, for a gay dude, Seacrest is banging a nice assortment of hot chicks.

Speaking of hot chicks, Casey James was next, and this time, he tried. Puh-lease. He sang the Shania Twain song “Don’t” but he did anyway. His vibrato is way too fast. I imagine Kara Delmonte liked to straddle his neck and rub her clit on his adam’s apple as he held long notes, her dry, cracked labia producing sparks rubbing against his scraggly Spencer-like flesh-colored beard. OK, I just grossed myself out. CJ was OK.

Mamasox did a very fine, and I thought underappreciated version of a sweet country song I had never heard before called “No One Needs to Know Right Now,” which is what her dentist tells her every visit. What? The judges didn’t like this because they are IDIOTS. This was a very musical performance, subtle, and well done. She reminded me of Allison Krause on this number, and it was very good. And she was cute this week, too. Nice job by the only contestant who actually deserves a singing career. Big Mike will be a personality, and Sheebomb has reality show written all over her, but Crystal will make an album that people will want to hear. Assuming the producers don’t cock it all up. (they will)

Aaron Kelly sang “It’s In the Way You Love Me” which he dedicated to his Mommy. He said he just turned 17, but he’s still very gay. Look for Aaron on your next gay cruise ship, Bryan. And Phil. Just kidding, you’ll be too busy to catch a show. The littlest lesbian was decent, I guess, but I literally fell asleep, so it’s hard to judge him. No it isn’t. He’s boring. And he goes home tonight. See ya, little fella!

Finally, the night came to a screeching halt with Shegone Magnus. She butchered “Any Man Of Mine,” and Ms. Twain looked displeased during the performance. And when Shebooby got to the end of the song, she unleashed such an inhuman sound from deep within, it made Simon think she’d shitted out a kid onstage. I bet she has poop stains in her undies after that note. But the difference between Sheeblows and Adam Glambert’s shrieking from last year is that Adam did it in tune. And with a butt plug inserted. No seriously, he was much better at adding the vocal fireworks where they were needed. Kind of. Actually, it was pretty much annoying when he did it, too. Anyway, the slow-talking wierdo in the wrestling boots will stick around another week, and we can only hope to see Satan himself emerge from her throat during a scream, to wriggle out of her body, stomp down to the judges table, and ask Simon for an autograph.

Aaron goes home tonight, and we can nly hope for meltdowns next week so this show is somewhat entertaining.

T-to-the-B

American Idol: 7 “Singers” Left to Warble Unmelodically

from Wednesday, April 21, 2010 at 12:34pm

I’m in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, enjoying sun, tropical drinks, my beautiful wife, and lots and lots of nachos. Who gives a shit about American Idol?

I’ll be back with some f-bombs and more disgusting imagery about Kara’s aging (sagging) genitalia next week…

Adios!

American Idol: The Final 9 (AGAIN) Kill Elvis, and Ryan Hearts Adam

from Wednesday, April 14, 2010 at 2:36pm

First the Beatles, now Elvis. The karoake kids are certainly tackling legendary music, but in true American Idol fashion, the good singers choose unknown songs, the mediocre singers pick the obvious, overdone songs, and the bad singers, well, it doesn’t matter what these warbling losers pick - it will suck goat scrotes.

So up first in the death spot is MamaSox. I guess the producers are hip to the fact that the first performer of the night is easily forgotten, so they sent in their ringer to be sure this didn’t happen. She did a good job, and of course, the retard judges drooled over her again. Ellen fell another rung down the comedy ladder by asking if there were any birthdays in the audience because she’s tired of complementing Crystal. How about oh, I don’t know, critiquing her performance? It wasn’t perfect. Well, the singing was very good as always. And the arrangement was nice. Hmmm… I guess I see Ellen’s point. But she could have made a funnier joke. Thena again, she’s sitting next to two jokes all night. So you’d think Crystal has this competition wrapped up, but I’m telling you, the next American Idol will NOT be a woman. It’s gonna be a cute guy. That’s how this show has devolved, since the only people actually spending the effort to text or call in their votes are little girls, housewives, and the legion of VFTW.com devotees, who are all voting for Tim Urban, anyway. But MamaSox was good, which we have come to expect.

Which means we really have to savor the really horrific performances when we get them, and Senor Harry Carey delivered one steaming, coiled pile of a performance for us last night! He MURDERED “Hound Dog” with the cheesiest, cruise shipiest lamefest I’ve seen in a long time on this show (last week: Sheeboob). This is an old timey blues song that had he any talent whatsoever, could have been done in a great old Delta blues style. I’d have had him play acoustic, with a harp player, stand up bass, and that guy that plays the box as a drum (remember, that guy is AmIdol GOLD). Andrew should have sung this song in a gritty, angry way. “You ain’t nothin’ but a hound dog, cryin’ all the time!” It’s basically a song about calling somebody a bitch (no pun intended, I swear). It’s a smackdown of a song, really. “You ain’t no friend of mine.” That’s mean. And nasty. IF of course, you present it that way. And I’m not saying Elvis ever did. For Christ’s sake, he sang it to an actual Bloodhound on the Steve Allen show wearing a tux and tails! That was the first time Presley sold out, and it soon became his way of life. But the Elvis before that moment was raw, dangerous, and threatening to cracker America. That is the vibe Andrew needed. But what did he do? He opened a big can of spray cheese all over the place. I became lactose intolerant after hearing that first half! When it slowed down, it got a little better, but the glory note at the end and the pathetic stage presence trumped the half-time feeling, which was approaching the way the entire song should have been performed. Our Mexican friend is heading home tonight for sure. If he stays, it will be because they found Casey doing lines of coke off Kara’s tits. Again. And did you see those giant glasses his family held up in the audience? Apparently they were stolen from the estate of Harry Carey. Dutchie will be pressing charges, as those were Harry’s ACTUAL glasses. It used to take the entire grounds crew at Wrigley to help pick them up when Harry’d get sloshed and they fell off his melonhead. Holy Cow!

Up next is my favorite contestant, Tim Urban. He wears a tight shirt, smiles, and sings a decent version of “Can’t Help Falling in Love” that will guarantee he makes it through this double elimination night. I don’t even think he’s the worst singer anymore (Andrew or Lee get that honor). If he makes it through tonight, I predict he will start knocking off the rest of them each week, starting with Sheebomb, and working his way up to the top 3 with Casey and Crystal. I would have said the top 4 with Big Mike in there, but Timmy proved he can beat the big guy already. It’ll be tough, and I bet “Turban” will be in the bottom two for the rest of the season after tonight, but he can do it! He can bring this show to a glorious end! But not yet. I’m enjoying the horror of the next two saps…

Lee did “A Little Less Conversation” which was so damn predictable and so damn boring. This guy can’t sing! He is constantly missing notes, he has NO high-end range, and that gravelly voice is getting extremely irritating. In her infinite wisdom, resident shit-for-brains judge Kara told Lee to be more playful and move around a bit. What is wrong with this woman? She’s there for her looks, nothing else. She ought to just come out and sit there in a bikini, not saying anything. Then at least Simon and Randy could enjoy themselves. Oh, and Ellen would, too.

Aaron, the littlest lesbian, looked like a tiny tool in his acid washed denim jacket with the sleeves pushed up. I think the costume people on Idol must all get together after the show, roll some joints, pour some drinks, and and laugh their asses off watching these kids wear ridiculous outfits. And “Blue Suede Shoes?” Really? There’s really only one way to describe Aaron: white. OK, two ways: white and LAME. This cracker made Pat Boone’s version of this song sound gangsta. Bottom 3 for Ellen Junior, but I think he’ll stick around one more week.

Next was le Freak, Shiv-on. Although she wasn’t dressed like a homeless person this week, she sure sounded like one when she was talking to Ryan. And speaking of Ryan, was he or was he not openly flirting with Adam Lambert all night? I’m not saying he’s gay, but the AI host is definitely curious! And he tried on teh Glee dude’s hat at the end of the show! Took it off his head, and put it on. That is a no-no in straight man world. It’s simply something you don’t do, but Seacrest did it anyway. And then to say “Glee, out!” was a reminder of just how gay that sign off was. But back to the train wreck. No matter what Sheebomb attempts to sing is going to come out like Celine Dion sitting on the toilet after a fiery Thai dinner. There will be shrieking, and it will stink. Farting out “Suspicious Minds,” Shivaughn started out TERRIBLE! I thought for sure she would be going home with Senor Harry Carey, but then the song slowed down to give her room to shriek and glory note her way to safety. Ugh. This is not singing! As my very intelligent wife noted, “who in the hell would listen to that?” I mean, game show competition aside, what kind of career is this weirdo going to have? If she’s proud to be compared to Madam Glambert, well, his career is so shitty right now he ahd to be booked as a mentor on the show he was just on! They must really be hurting for celebrities this season. I was impressed they got Usher, but Miley Cyrus and Glambert? Really? I guess at least they’re technically singers, unlike Quentin Tarrantino last yaer pimping “Inglorious Basterds.” That was retarded. But Cheebacca sang poorly, missed lots of notes, and looked like a moron when doing her shrieking thing, which didn’t fit, and sounded like, well, Celine Dion with the runs. Sorry to repeat that lovely visual. Simon was the only one with the balls and brains to point that out, and the look on Sheevon’s face was AWESOME! That crazy idiot was PISSED. Then she talked back, which I loved, saying how she’s so diverse, so multifaceted that she’s not sure what kind of artist she is. Bullshit. She’s a scared girl in over her head at this point. I think she thought she’d be the favorite, and she’s not handling the reality very well. I can’t decide if she will be safe or going home. I think the judge pimping and shrieking will keep her around another 2 weeks or so. But the end is near for little miss nutbag.

Big Mike, who ought to be at home with his infant daughter, sang “In the Ghetto.” Please go look up Eric Cartman’s version of this from “South Park” on ComedyCentral.com. He sang it as the boys walked literally across the tracks to Kenny’s house. Hilarious, and the definitive version of the song. Big Mike did a decent job I guess, making it an R&B version. Not bad, but very boring. He’ll be around for a while.

Katie will either be gone tonight, or will stick around for 2 weeks. Her song was weird. She was trying to be angry I guess, but she was in a ridiculous outfit, and was moving her head side to side like white girls think black girls do it. Those costumers must have been dying, as she looked like a little girl who got into her Mom’s jewelry and put all of it on at the same time. What is that, the Mr. T look? Talk about karaoke! She looked out of place, and like she was trying to be someone she ain’t - a talented singer. Bottom 4 or 2, not sure which.

Casey did a boring, dull blues song, which kind of doesn’t qualify as an Elvis song, and I was amazed the Dawg didn’t compare him to Stevie Ray Vaughn again (which is one of the craziest things I’ve ever heard from the former Journey bassist, since SRV was a guitarist who sang only cuz he had to). Kara was giving the dude her fuck me eyes again, and it made me wonder if Mr. James really is doing the crazy broad? I mean, could it hurt him to bang her? Aside from any medical problems he might encounter, as long as she didn’t sing or play her god awful music during the banging, it might not be too bad for Casey. He’s a single guy, and she’s the only judge he could bang, since Ellen is married <cough>, Randy is Randy, and Simon is gay for Simon. So why not get 25% of the panel to say nice things about you every week? It’s not like she’s nasty to look at or anything. Casey isn’t having the experience Woody Harrelson had in “Kingpin” with his landlady. THAT was earning your rent! And Casey has earned another week no sweat.

So was Elvis turning in his grave over these performances? Nah. They weren’t THAT bad, except for Andrew. Plus, he’s still alive according to the National Enquirer! He just went away. Which is exactly what will happen to nearly all of these karaoke contestants this Fall. The ones you’ll see again? Crystal, who has the potential to be a great singer-songwriter once she gets to sing her own songs, maybe Big Mike, who will host a game show or something like that, and of course, Tim Urban. Timmy will go on to a very nice career as a nice alternative to Justin Bieber. Bieber. Say it, it’s fun. Bei-ber. Haha, thanks babe.

Andrew is done tonight for sure. For the double elimination, it’s either Katie or Sheebomb to leave with him. I think I’m leaning towards Katie.

American Idol: 9 Losers Left, Not Quite So Dull

From Wednesday, April 7th, 2010 at 1:39pm

Aaron started off in the death spot, and proceeded to sound like it. The Long and Winding Road is an atypically cheesy, overly sentimental Beatles song that Aaron should have done in a pop-country way, as Simon suggested. It was great how he rolled his eyes after asking Aaron a question and suffering through the 6-year-old’s long and winding answer that included the phrase “long and winding road.” Yoda? No, this kid is not cool enough to be Yoda. More like a lobotomized Jar-Jar Binks. I’d think he was in the bottom 3, but for some reason this midget lesbian is very popular, so he’s going to be fine.

Katie was next, representing young rich girls. I think she’ll be hot in 10 years or more, but right now she’s 17 and looks it. But Katie is destined to be a MILF, no doubt about it. When her daughter is on American Idol: Season 30, Katie will be in the audience looking hot. Ellen will not be there, having been replaced by Carrot Top in 2012, who was replaced by that guy who played Screech in 2017, who was replaced by Gallagher in 2019, who was shot and killed by guest judge Adam Lambert in 2020 (Lambert was never tried for murder, let alone arrested) and replaced by Larry the Cable Guy JUNIOR, the offspring of the redneck hack and Kathy Griffin. Simon will be there, after crawling back after his X Factor show tanked after 2 seasons, looking absolutely ridiculous as an 80-year-old man in a tight, V-neck t-shirt. Simon’s old man-boobs sagging to his waist, wrinkly turkey neck and liver-spotted chest will turn away more and more viewers each week. Randy Jackson will also still be there, but as a security guard, not a judge. Ryan will have died of AIDS, and Kara will have been replaced with a chicken.
Anyway, Let It Be has been covered WAY better on Idol before. Katie’s version was OK, but lame. It was very boring this week, so she’ll be in the bottom 3.

Next up was the La Preferida spokesman, Andrew. Apparently everyone loves the guy. And he and Lee are going to have Danny Gokey babies! That means they both SUCK because GOKEY SUCKS! GOKEY SUCKS! GOKEY SUCKS! GOKEY SUCKS! GOKEY SUCKS! GOKEY SUCKS! Mexican Harry Carey needs to pick a style and go with it. The KD Lang thing isn’t working. And was his version of Can’t Buy Me Love in a Rockabilly, pop, or funk style? It was all of them, plus maybe a little swing thrown in at the beginning. How he managed to make it boring with all of that was interesting. Bottom 3 for sure.

Big Mike did an interesting version of Eleanor Rigby, but not as good as David Cook’s treatment a few years back. He confirmed (and Randy agreed) what I said about him before: that he’s a big Glee geek. Still, he seems like a nice guy, I just wouldn’t want to listen to his album. Who would?

Mama Sox: best quote this season from a contestant: “I’m glad those two can be together, get married, and have lots of little Danny Gokey babies.” Like I said, if Andrew and Lee produce DG babies, then they SUCK just like Danny does. GOKEY SUCKS! GOKEY SUCKS! (check your voicemail, Dina!)
Anyway, Crystal does a decent job with Come Together, probably my least favorite Beatles song. I did notice she had trouble with the guitar part, though. She was struggling with some of the bridge chords. But that’s the musician dork in me. Even though that distracted her a little, she was able to belt out some nice phrases. But what was with the didgeridoo? It didn’t fit at all. Not in the funky, soulful style she performed. It could work, and you read it here first: we WILL see that dude again. On the finale there will be a didgeridoo-bagpipes showdown!

Tim! The all-time “why-is-he-still-here?” guy actually did a good job! All My Loving is an old timey song, and Tim’s earnest, smiley Christianity was a perfect fit. Let’s hope nice young girls and creepy old men keep voting for Tim so we can see him murder some more songs in the future. And didn’t you get the feeling that none of the other singers like him? There were some awkward pauses in their responses, and the whole thing about his sparkly smile was condescending. I got the feeling these contestants don’t care for Mr. Urban, which makes his presence all the more fun! I think he avoids the bottom 3 this week!

Casey sang a beautiful John Lennon song, Jealous Guy, that I had not heard in a long time. He did a very good job. At doing a Bob Seger impression! If you like Bob, then you like Casey. ‘Nuff said.

Sheebomb sang Across the Universe and made us all feel like we were at a high school choir concert. Ugh. How boring. And while the judges licked her taint about how original she is, you can see the same fashion sense on most American streets. Being worn by HOMELESS people! The girl is a freak, yes, but she’s also quite dim. Her speech is extremely slow, as if her brain can’t produce the correct words fast enough. So as bad as she was, the judges still praised her. They were told to pimp her, definitely. I think it backfires, and Shiv-on will be in the bottom 3. By the way, a really good cover of Across the Universe was done by the great Fiona Apple. Check it out, you’ll dig it. If you don’t, you must love Danny Gokey!

Lee wraps things up by singing Hey Jude. I think he SUCKED. His voice is irritating on songs that don’t pair well with his raspy, metallic growling. He was out of tune all over the place, missing nearly every single high note he attempted, and still the judges loved it. And of course the bagpipes player. Why? Bagpipes would be awesome on other songs, but Hey Jude? It made no sense. It wasn’t an homage to Chicago, since he’s from Mount Prospect, first of all, and second, the bagpiper was dressed in Scottish garb, not Irish. It was just weird and lame. A perfect metaphor for this season of American Idol.

Randomness 4/12/10

As more and more skateboards are failing to account for the drop in height of Nicaraguan soccer players, the situation in the USA becomes more urgent every day. This country is going to be overrun by geese unless President Obama reverses his actions on cheese tariffs. For 8 years, Americans enjoyed big budget Hollywood action films without crippling tablecloth or fingernail polish taxes. Sarah Palin will restore order to ‘Murica through spirited debate, fresh towels, green Nyquil shots for seniors, and the establishment of a National Spelling Bee for kids that aren’t show-offs. Kids that need to use spellcheck every now and then. Kids who patiently wait for their parents to pick them up, but end up waiting 45 minutes in front of school on a Sunday afternoon because Mom & Dad can’t be bothered to actually go to the parade even though there was a giant Denver omelette, “Big” Bob Johnson from Johnson Hyundai, and a sculpture of Faye Dunaway made entirely out of liverwurst and sand. Hell, the grand Marshall was an associate producer of “The Golden Girls!” Season three! Yes, the one where Dorothy’s penis falls off. No, having a foot long hot dog and a funnel cake after Jaegerbombs with large-breasted black girls would just gave to wait for the scared little boy. He would not realize his dreams of flight and cake that day.

Dry Cleaning: It’s Not Really Dry

For as long as humans have skinned animals to wear as clothing for warmth, he has spilled on himself.  Going out and killing a new wolf every time Zog Junior spilled yak milk was time consuming and simply not frugal. Cleaning the clothing so it can be reused and worn without offending and overpowering the olfactory senses of others was born out of necessity and evolved over time, much like thumbs, or appreciating David Brenner.

For thousands of years, clothes were beaten against rocks in a river and set to dry under the hot sun, prompting the invention of beer, lounge chairs, and Jimmy Buffet. From those early days of river washing, man progressed to fancy machines that wash and dry nearly all of our clothes, making sure they smell as nice and as fresh from added chemicals as the fresh smell of clothes washed in a river and dried in the sun. Ah, progress. And we sell each other water in plastic bottles, too.

Of course, not all of our clothes can be washed and dried at home. There are certain articles of clothing that must be taken to special stores to be cleaned. These are the garments we hold in the highest regard, our fanciest pants. They are what we buy two of when Burlington Coat Factory has a sale. Yes, man has evolved the art of cleaning his clothes without the use of water. How is this possible? Solvents.  Administered to our fine non-washables in a liquid form, these chemicals clean our delicate and Italian fibers without water.

Dry cleaning was invented by accident, much like modern art. In 1855, Jean Baptiste Jolly, who was incidentally not a fat guy, noticed that when kerosene spilled on his tablecloth, it became clean. Yes, early dry cleaners used kerosene and gasoline on their customers’ clothes. So people back then smelled like mechanics when they went to work. Along with shrinking and losing shirts, it is a modern miracle this business was able to continue and grow.

Today, modern dry cleaners use a much safer solvent called perchlorethylene, or “perc” for short. This is where the term “perks” of a job comes from, as the first time it was used was to describe a company’s benefit of 10% off their employees’ dry cleaning. Except for linens, those were still full price. So while dry cleaning does use liquids, it doesn’t use water, and if there’s no water in it, it’s not a liquid, according to dry cleaners. And it’s probably best not to argue with them; after all, they still have your fancy pants.

Thunder: Old, Loud, and Gassy

For many years, even longer than Larry King has been alive, man has speculated on what makes thunder happen. This natural and loud phenomenon has ruined millions of perfectly good dreams over the course of human history, inspiring many ridiculous explanations.

The Ancient Greeks first attributed thunder and lightning to the God Zeus being angry and hurling thunderbolts down at earth. Basically, they saw him as a type-A God, irritable and moody with a heck of a temper. But soon the great philosopher Aristotle philosophized that surely thunder was caused by the collision of clouds. To him, the sky was a busy intersection, with reckless cumulonimbus taxis and cirrostratus soccer mom SUVs driving too fast in the rain, constantly crashing into each other.

Founding Father Benjamin Franklin advanced the study of thunder when he drunkenly flew a kite in the rain, nearly electrocuting himself. He quickly spun the embarrassing story into a “scientific experiment” that not only discovered electricity, but also Public Relations.

In the 1800s, it was believed lightning was produced in a vacuum that collapsed, causing thunder. This could account for why dogs are scared of vacuum cleaners. It wasn’t until the 20^th century when scientists evolved a new theory: that lab coats and thick glasses were sexy. While this idea didn’t last, their new view on thunder did, which was that a sudden thermal expansion of plasma within lightning produces a shock wave, causing thunder. Plasma is like a gas, but different enough to be considered the fourth state of matter. Think of it as the fraternal twin to gas, the Jason and Justine Bateman of matter. And a shock wave is when you and your neighbor’s eyes meet while he’s mowing his lawn in nothing but a Speedo.

This new theory became the consensus. Thunder happens when a shock wave is produced by rapidly expanding plasma and is then propelled through the air like an explosion, sonic boom, or about forty-five minutes after an all-you-can-eat burrito bar.

While this explanation of thunder seems logical and technical enough to be true, with interesting words and enough complexity to receive government funding, recent studies show that electrodynamics acting on the plasma in the lightning are the true cause of the thermal expansion, which makes the sonic wave “crack” and wake everyone up in the middle of a perfectly good dream. Even Larry King.